just some musings...

Hello readers,
Every Monday I start out really full of faith and not at all intimidated by the coming week. By Wednesday, I'm tired. By Thursday, I'm feeling pretty beat up. Lately, my hubby and I have been feeling really drawn by the Lord. It seems there is far less allowed than maybe there once was. He doesn't want sin in our lives. I get pretty frustrated with the constant pointing out of sin in my heart...I get mad too. I get really mad and hurt and defeated. I respond exactly how I should not respond...

The other night, I felt like I needed to renounce (disagree in my heart) with the shame and guilt from past sins...I have repented A LOT! I don't shy away from it. I love it! As my mom says, "It's your get out of jail free card." But lately it has felt as though there are just no results from not wanting sin any more...So I disagreed in my mind and heart with continuing to carry around guilt from sin that I had asked Jesus to forgive me for.

I felt freedom for the first time in a while. Then the next day, I think, I just went right back to feeling guilty...Feeling like the many things that are going wrong are my fault.

But here's the thing: Jesus loves us. It's the most bizarre, irrational thing ever. I don't deserve to be loved, or even liked-AT ALL. I'm a total jerk and a mess. For real.

Jesus constantly brings my mind (thoughts, attention) back to Mary. The one who humiliated herself before the Lord, in front of a room full of men, who DID NOT GET IT! He invites me, you, anyone and everyone, to be her. She saved up a year's wages for a bottle of perfume. I asked God what the eqivilant would be from me. Then I immediately thought of just all the time and effort I put into things. That's what He would love to be devoted and "wasted" on Him.

I used to be really good (at least I thought I was) at saying "YES" to God. I am relearning. I think a lot of us are. I thought it was supposed to get easier to say yes to Him. It's been getting harder.

I don't feel this way often lately: But I know that I know that my blood vessels, hair follicles, nerve endings, nails know that God LIKES me. So I will keep moving forward...I want to see Him. That's what keeps me going when the rest of it all hurts.
more to come...