thoughts on responsibility

We are made in God's image. We all like to talk, we love to be heard! We love to have our thoughts matter to someone else. God must be this way. He must really want His thoughts to matter to us. Thoughts on flowers, children, the different nations, the future, the day...His thoughts on the things we are willing to share with Him.

When He speaks, it's different than we speak. Every word, impression, moment, breath weighs immensely. Nothing is light. I get terrified to go to Him sometimes, with nothing more on the agenda than just to listen. What He says is heavy. What He allows me to perceive carries a responsibility.

I think He has always been saying a lot, but maybe hearing it has increased.

This morning in worship, He showed me a scene at His throne. People were coming to Him and picking up items that were gift wrapped, mostly Christmas paper. Each person was picking up an item for someone they knew needed it. Everyone had so much joy.  Each person walked with purpose and expectation. These items were gifts from the Father, from Heaven. They were treasures being delivered to specific people in the lives of those who went to God's throne.

As I wrote at the beginning of this piece, God must be like us, or we must be like God. We want to be heard and known, because He wants to be heard and known so deeply.

He wants to be adored. He awaits us to turn our attention to Him and look in His face. He will capture us, hold us up to eye level with Him. That's where the scene at His throne starts. Looking in His face, adoring Him, then seeing the way to His seat and doing what He does. Gift wrapped joy and provision and blessing and love for us and those in our lives. He loves. He loves to love. He loves to be loved, like we do.

God, help us look in Your eyes. And help us not be afraid of what we see there, of what You show us next. Help us to see Your joy and say yes to doing what You do! Overcome and overwhelm us. Fill us with Love. Show us Your love, God!

(Disclaimer: I hope I write pieces/articles/poems/essays about this topic over and over again for the rest of my life. God is not done talking about this and opening more of this for us to see. He's not done talking!) hahahahahaha

not ready

I never know how to start these blogs. Never. So, the thing to do must be to jump right in, eyes wide open.

I used to be really close with God. There wasn't a moment of any day that I did't bring Him into. It was the most joyful time in my life. There was nothing sad about anything, there was no need, no want unfulfilled. It was ridiculously fun and adventurous living like that with Him. A real romance. Felt like a fairytale. 

Then I spent years being distracted, complacent, bored, deaf, dumb, and stubborn. There's much more to this, which someday I'll write about, but the bottom line is that I repented.

I'm on my way back to Him, these past few months. He's more gracious with me than I could have imagined. 

In those years I was not spending close to Him, I got really religious. Imagine that. Here's what he unraveling for me now...

It's like when you have surprise guest over to your home, you panic trying to keep the worst of your mess out of their site. Trying to race ahead of them to clean up the dirty dishes, wipe down the toilet, shove stuff under the bed, and so on. Anything to make sure they don't know you're not ok. 

I wouldn't let Him near me. I wouldn't' let Him touch me. He was not allowed to see or to know that I was dying. I was not making it, and He would be so disappointed. 

But He isn't giving me time to clean up, to get ready, to cover. He's coming into my unready heart. We aren't spending time reviewing and inspecting the messes. He's already cleaned them up while I looked in His eyes. He just keeps walking right up to me, catching me, while I run away-trying to keep Him from the next pile of filth. 

I'm still learning.

He keeps saying it. He just wants in. 

So I had believed I had to have things together, fixed, sorted, figured out before I could ask Him to come to me. Touch me. Heal me. Talk to me. Take me. Be with me. That is backward. He comes, then things settle. I'm still learning.

I'm still in transit. We are always still in transit. From glory to glory. Deeper and deeper, the rabbit hole goes. 

I hope this encourages someone. Let Him come.

Jesus come.

old poetry

I used to write a lot of poetry. Mainly 2004 to 2006. Jim is the only one who's read it. I guess I'm very protective of it. But a few months ago he put most of them together in a collection for me. I have picked it up a few times recently and decided to start sharing them a little through this blog.

One of the main things I used to write about was Mary's worship of Jesus. This is one of many, and I'll be putting some more of my poetry up in the future. I hope I get start writing poetry more too. It's not poetry in the technical sense...So don't be expecting the right mechanics ;)

(not dated, but likely sometime mid-2005)

What must it have felt like to feel the flow of the oil from 
Your calf, to Your ankle, to Your feet, to Your toes?

What must it have felt like to have a slow run of anointing 
our over You and saturate You?

What did it feel like to have tears and hair - mixed - 
to be the rag that cleaned You after being touched already
so extravagantly?
                              ~
What was it like to pour it out on Him? To try desperately to 
ignore the stares and the jealousy in the room with you?
To feel the doubt and the worry that you had done something
even more inappropriate than having simply walked in to be with 
Him?

Did He turn and grab your hands, hold them and look into your
eye, withe such love and assurance that you were never wrong?
For Him, you could never be wrong. 

Pondering this scene in John, and the other gospels where it's recorded, it's one of my favorite things to see in my mind's eye. There's a  lot more, to see, to learn, to do, to live. Thanks for reading.

if you weren't afraid

The past couple of days, the phrase spoken by an old friend Steve Kenney, has been stirring:

"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

We immediately jump to the big thing, the huge goals we would accomplish! This used to be my favorite thing to do. I would take on huge mountains. Sometimes it'd be the fight of my life, and sometimes, it would all go very smoothly. I became unafraid. I think that's the goal. But I wasn't unafraid because of the Lord. I was just good at it. 

Let's take it back a few steps. Let's leave the mountains with our names on them to conquer. Walk a little ways away...have a seat in your favorite chair. Close your eyes. Breathe... Let the Lord come near you and share some space with you.

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

I would breathe easy if I weren't afraid. 

The thing I am most afraid of is being in the same place next year that I am now. By place, I mean, same location spiritually, emotionally, in maturity, marriage, communication, relationships, so on. 

And so if I weren't afraid, I would breathe...I would sleep, I would trust God. 

The glimpses I get in the Spirit now are more often small and simple things than huge, glorious things. If I were not afraid, I would let things stay simple. I would let things stay in God's hands, in His time and I would breathe my breaths with Him. I would live with Him...and there would be life. 

I'm very good at being a human. Humans make things more complicated than they were ever meant to be. We put so many rules of everything that exists or could exist. I had expectations, rules, and goals for this week on vacation. SO I struggle against that, because I think the time was granted so I could learn to breathe. 

I find myself lately struggling to be myself again, like I did in junior high. Hopefully this is all just another layer, hopefully several, of the onion being peeled away and I will see God in this land...When we can trust ourselves and our abilities, the land is no good. I think that's what the past year has been rich with...digging up this ground that's been plowed and plowed to death. And digging where I haven't before. Striking that hard ground, hard as cement. Until it gives. The heart must be starting to give, because there's been a surge of striking the cement to find the earth under it. 

Sitting and breathing and learning with the Lord to be unafraid won't mean you never get another mountain to conquer. It just means He takes you there, and it's not about the mountain with your name on it. It's life with Him, your breaths with Him. 

a dirty-silly word

I've had a few ideas over the last couple of months for things to write about. But one keeps coming back up each day. This messy, silly idea of process.

I really like to finish what I start. It's a big mantra to me. My yes is yes, my no is no, kind of idea.  I think there is no excuse for not following through on what someone has said they'd do. No one holds a gun to someone's head  (in normal circumstances) and makes them say yes or no to something they don't want to give that answer to. Thus, the mantra. Finish what you start. (this was a bit of pedal stool speech)

Which takes me to the latest finishing what I started situation. After high school, I attended community college. I did not take it very seriously. I wanted to do other things, and those doors were flinging wide open for me, so I did ALL of them! I do not regret it at all. Yet, I always said I would finish my Associates. The other day I found out my brother is going back to college. He's a super hard working guy, I know he'll do far better than he might believe he would. I just know. But it got me immediately thinking about my degree, plus my dad said "you need to finish your degree." lol!

This was maybe two days ago, at the most. And today, I have been stressing out because I don't have it entirely figured out yet.
Process

Ever read a book, or the Bible...and only certain things stand out to you? I was reading a page of a book not too long ago, and certain parts were sticking out to me. I looked at a few parts of sentences that were not sticking out to me-important parts. Deep, life changing parts...They were not striking that hard chord in my gut...I had permission to pass them by.

For me, this shame of not having things figured out, not knowing the answers...it guides me to the door of confession. Shame pushes me toward the Lord, who reminds me that He has me in this process. The burden is not on me. He has it. I go through that door, to acknowledgement, confession, and that wonderful willingness to cooperate and participate with Him. What He bought with His blood. Friendship. Love. Intimacy...all those things our whole being craves.

And I long for the day when Shame is not my escort to that place with God.

This long post, all to say, it's not a series of processes, so much as it is process with God. He's got us...we need feel no shame. We need not walk with shame. Or think, in my case.

Thank you Lord for the tenderness, mercy, sovereignty You guide us with.

getting to know some things...

I've known the Lord for 25+ years...And I keep feeling like I just met Him.

It seems like every couple days, I wander away from where I found Him the last time , becaues I have that "good, confident" feeling...I think I've found "it" and go on my merry way. 

Then I feel horrible and exposed and sharp things stabbing into me on every side. So I go and find Him again...the place where He always is... where I found Him the last time. At His Cross.

IT's not an ugly or scary place. It only seems that way after you have left it. When you get there again, it's the most perfect place on Earth, or not on Earth. It's home. I think it's the place that we fit. The shape and grooves fit our souls, our bodies, our hearts.

I belong there. But in two days, or less, I will have forgotten again. I'll leave it because I feel safe...
I'll forget it's my freedom, my joy and the hug I'm always looking for.

The other day I told the Lord that I don't think I know Jesus. He's more foreign to me than an actual foreigner. I don't know who He is or what He does...and I certainly don't understand Him.

But instruction has been pretty clear lately-look to the Cross. Go to the Cross. Pay attention. The Cross and Jesus are inseparable.

Again, known the Lord for a long while. And I'm just now learning to know Jesus the way He wants to be known. I'm just learning about love, and to love. That Jesus and His Cross ARE love. That that means I get to love people...I don't much like that many people...But Love wants love filling up the Earth. And He picked bratty me to be a part of it.

Thank you Jesus for the Cross. Thank you Jesus for teaching me these things, over and over...for helping to know you.

Piece of Pie

I am not sure how many people read this blog. I feel I should mention that this blog is like a practice space for me....I'm practicing writing. It's a discipline I would like to be more skilled in. So I read and write and just keep at it. The main part of the discipline at this point is to simply not discard something. I discard almost every thing I pray and process through, in terms of taking the opportunity to share it. In keeping with bucking that trend-here is a little piece of pie from my soul to yours (if that's ok?)!

I just finished a challenging, yet extremely hopeful book by Heidi Baker. I immediately picked up an oldie from John Eldridge. At the end of the H.B. book, she said something to the effect that if you are not in love with Jesus, stop ministering, go fall in love with Jesus, then let everything you do come from that. Then the J.H. book jumps into practically illustrating daily intimacy with Jesus. Something I think all of us probably never need to stop looking at. 

These are two very different writers, with very very different ministries. And it hit me smack in the head! Somehow I forgot, we all have our piece of the divine puzzle, or pie, or what-have you. There is a message God wants each of our lives to speak. As we get to know Him, give Him pieces of Heart, learn how much He likes us...learn what we are and who He is...a word or message gets clearer and clearer. 

I find this HUGELY encouraging. I cannot say whatever it is you are meant to say. You can't say what I'm mean to say. But we all have something beautifully unique...The billions of people on this planet all have super special, necessary word from Jesus to say with their lives. 

May we continue to let Jesus in further and further in our deep, dark places, and into our bright shining places and let the message get more and more clear and bold through us-what ever it may be. Enjoy the differences! 

Jesus

The last several months, the verse having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof, has been rolling around in my spirit, wanting some attention. Then Jim and I were just randomly talking about the church increasingly wanting to conform to be socially acceptable (DCtalk song anyone?).

We talked about how a lot of people seem to be comfortable talking about God, but not about Jesus. Then Jim said the phrase from that verse. Having a form of godliness, but lacking the power thereof.

Jesus is the variable between Christianity and any other religion. Yet, He is mentioned so little. And the Cross is avoided, it feels.

I've been reading books by Heidi Baker lately, because I just can't settle for being comfortable in my tiny little world. I need to be jostled, shook up, confronted. She never stops mentioning, LOUDLY, Jesus!  She never lets Him out of the attention of her reader. It's really helping me to  not forget about Jesus. Because I do.

I think He is very uncomfortable to talk about. He did things we can't imagine or understand; and we don't try to understand either. He was such ridiculous love, to people we can't stand, and to us. He is recorded as being angry/mad/mean once. And that meanness was directed at the church. He turned over tables, kicked people out of the temple, in what has been described as a rage. The church. Us. People who wear His nametag.

I am most definitely on this list of those who do not understand our Jesus.

But we need to keep saying His name. He longs for us to make mention, to remember. To not forget His cross. There was a cross, beatings, blood, tears, spit, weapons involved with Jesus' life. That is the power...His blood fell, and with it FREEDOM crashed to the Earth and is still here.

Jesus, because of this cross, is the POWER THEREOF. May we not deny or ignore Him.

2 Timothy 3:5

some encouragement

Hello,

I just have this little bit of encouragement on my heart today. Last night Jim and I were talking about how we really need to enjoy this time in our life. Things are going very well and this year we have the opportunity to do things we have never gotten to do in our marriage yet. We have waited a VERY long time and watched other couples do things we simply never could.
So we discussed really enjoying this time because it won't last forever. Life is all about the ups and downs. As my mom calls it, the test of poverty and the test of prosperity. We have huge responsibilities and OPPORTUNITIES with both!
If things are going well-ENJOY THEM! Laugh it up! Have fun! Make memories! Build your foundation stronger!
Don't waste any time trying to predict the next dip in the road. Do not go borrowing trouble and pain from the future. Your present contains the VERY best God has for you. There are treasures aplenty that need your attention.

And if things are rough. Not working at all. Ripping your guts out and your skin off: This too shall pass! This is not your forever. The hard times pass just as the good times too. Have faith and hope. It is hard to have faith and hope. But the testing of our faith produces perseverance, and that is the key to growth and maturity. Which is our goal. James 1:3-5 (not lacking anything-yay!)
Also, 1 Peter 1:7 These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire-may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

Hold on. This too shall pass.

Rejoice and again I say rejoice! Get excited about the good. Have faith for the hard. Life moves and flows like water-It's messy and clean all at the same time.