not ready

I never know how to start these blogs. Never. So, the thing to do must be to jump right in, eyes wide open.

I used to be really close with God. There wasn't a moment of any day that I did't bring Him into. It was the most joyful time in my life. There was nothing sad about anything, there was no need, no want unfulfilled. It was ridiculously fun and adventurous living like that with Him. A real romance. Felt like a fairytale. 

Then I spent years being distracted, complacent, bored, deaf, dumb, and stubborn. There's much more to this, which someday I'll write about, but the bottom line is that I repented.

I'm on my way back to Him, these past few months. He's more gracious with me than I could have imagined. 

In those years I was not spending close to Him, I got really religious. Imagine that. Here's what he unraveling for me now...

It's like when you have surprise guest over to your home, you panic trying to keep the worst of your mess out of their site. Trying to race ahead of them to clean up the dirty dishes, wipe down the toilet, shove stuff under the bed, and so on. Anything to make sure they don't know you're not ok. 

I wouldn't let Him near me. I wouldn't' let Him touch me. He was not allowed to see or to know that I was dying. I was not making it, and He would be so disappointed. 

But He isn't giving me time to clean up, to get ready, to cover. He's coming into my unready heart. We aren't spending time reviewing and inspecting the messes. He's already cleaned them up while I looked in His eyes. He just keeps walking right up to me, catching me, while I run away-trying to keep Him from the next pile of filth. 

I'm still learning.

He keeps saying it. He just wants in. 

So I had believed I had to have things together, fixed, sorted, figured out before I could ask Him to come to me. Touch me. Heal me. Talk to me. Take me. Be with me. That is backward. He comes, then things settle. I'm still learning.

I'm still in transit. We are always still in transit. From glory to glory. Deeper and deeper, the rabbit hole goes. 

I hope this encourages someone. Let Him come.

Jesus come.